


Aziraphale and Crowley are Really Really Really Really Useless

by boredom



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Crowley and Aziraphale are useless, Humor, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Making Out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-15 07:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19608019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boredom/pseuds/boredom
Summary: After Adam separates Aziraphale from Madam Tracy, things go a little differently. Except, they're not much different at all.





	Aziraphale and Crowley are Really Really Really Really Useless

**Author's Note:**

> I did not realize how many A-names are in this story until now. Aziraphale, Anthony, Adam, Anathema, Arthur, Adultery, Agnes. It’s almost like Neil and Terry stopped looking at the baby name book on page 1.

This was shaping up to be a very weird day in Adam’s book. He was scared, but also not. He knew now that he was in control of the world and what he wanted to happen could happen. Still, there was a fear deep in his belly that he could mess it all up. He had scared Pepper and Wensley and Brian. Now he was facing off against monsters threatening to destroy the world. He was just a kid! What if he messed up even more than he already had? What if he couldn't change this one thing about the world? What if these monsters hurt him and his friends? 

He didn’t like feeling scared. He thought of all the heroes in his books that he read underneath the covers when he was supposed to be in bed. He thought of cowboys and astronauts and knights. They never seemed scared in their books. Then again, they were probably just as scared as he was now. He could be like those heroes. He could save the world and have everyone live happily ever after. More importantly, he and his friends could go on to have amazing adventures. 

There was just one problem: the strange man and woman melded together and brandishing a gun at him. 

Adam understood now why Anathema had said auras were difficult. He could see the two different beings twisted together. He could almost make out their individual bodies. The woman briefly overpowered the man, who was not a man at all now that Adam really looked at him. For one thing, he had over a thousand eyes (a conservative estimate), four wings, and four heads, three of which were animals. It was strange, terrifying, and oddly comforting. Something in his soul was telling him not to be afraid. 

It was unnatural to have two people sharing a body. Adam had control over reality. He should fix this immediately. After all, maybe if he separated the man-thing from the woman, he'd be able to help. He seemed very powerful. 

“Excuse me, why are you two people?” he asked. 

The woman stood up and the man-thing overtook her again. “Ah, well, you see--”

“It’s not right being two people.” Adam was acutely aware the monsters were standing, watching on at this strange interaction. He understood why, and maybe he should deal with the monsters first. But in his books, the side problems were almost always resolved before fighting the big bad monsters. Besides, the true form of the man-thing was distracting. Adam wanted him back into his proper, human form. 

“You should go back to being two separate people.” He didn’t know how he did it, but one moment they were two people, the next moment they were two separate people. The man-thing looked remarkably more man-shaped now. For one thing, he only had two visible eyes. 

“Aziraphale!” The other man shaped being said, stumbling forward. 

Aziraphale brightened. “Crowley, my dear.” 

They met each other in the middle. Crowley took Aziraphale’s face in his hands and pressed their mouths together. All of the children wrinkled their noses. 

“Yuck, kissing is so gross,” Brian said. 

Adam agreed. He never liked when people in his books kissed. The world would be a lot less gross if adults didn’t kiss each other all the time. 

Aziraphale wrapped his arms around Crowley’s shoulders and opened his mouth more. Crowley dipped Aziraphale low. They were definitely using their tongues now. Why did adults insist on sticking their tongues in other people's mouths? It seemed gross and slimy. What possible purpose could it serve?

It seemed to Adam as if they were trying to eat each other’s faces. He had seen a snake unhinge its jaw and swallow a deer whole in a documentary once. This was more gross. 

“Well then,” Madam Tracy said in a voice that reminded Adam of how mother when she scolded him. “I think you two should save that for later.” She glanced over at the children. 

Aziraphale and Crowley didn’t seem to hear. Crowley had one of his legs wrapped around Aziraphale’s waist. 

“It’s just, there are children here,” Madam Tracy said. Sargent Shadwell was standing next to her with him mouth hanging open and his eyes bulging. It was hard to tell if he was offended by the spectacle or not. 

Crowley waved a dismissive hand at her. 

“I also think you said something about the end of the world? Kingdom come? That sort of thing.” 

“Oh, Crowley! Oh yes!” Aziraphale was dipped low again. This time, they stumbled to the ground and started rolling around. Their lips were very audibly smacking against each other. 

Death cleared his throat. “I THINK PERHAPS WE SHOULD GET ON WITH IT.” 

“Yes! Angel! Yes!” 

“It’s like watching a shipwreck,” Famine said, his brow wrinkled in confusion. 

“No,” Pollution shook their head. “A shipwreck is beautiful, especially when oil is aboard. This is like watching a Madonna movie. I’m talking Shanghai Surprise.”

The four horsemen shuddered. Crowley had gotten several commendations for getting Madonna into acting. He had actually spent the better half of the eighties, nineties, and two thousands desperately trying to get her to stop making movies. 

The two man-shaped beings were giggling and rolling around the tarmat some more. 

“I thought he’d be more help.” Madam Tracy sighed. “Please, children, avert your eyes.” 

"Right there, angel! Oh, perfect, oh yes!" 

The children dutifully averted their eyes. 

“SERIOUSLY,” Death said, a bit more urgently. “THEY WILL BE AT THIS FOR AWHILE. THE WAR MUST COMMENCE NOW OR BE STOPPED NOW.” 

"Yeah, can we get on with the war?" War asked. 

"Oh, Crowley, you do such wonderful things with your tongue!" 

"IT IS TIME TO MAKE YOUR CHOICE, ADAM YOUNG. BECOME WHO YOU WERE ALWAYS MEANT TO BE."

"So much for me to love and I love all of it." And there was more giggling and lip smacking.

Adam turned back to the monsters. He knew they had things to do. 

Somehow, despite only being a kid with three human friends and a former hell-hound, Adam managed to defeat the four horsemen of the apocalypse (not a very PC name considering one of them was a woman and the other one was not a man or a woman. The Bible should have called them horse people). 

“Crowely, my dear, we have to--”

“Just a little more.” 

"Oh, yes, I'll give into your temptations any day." 

“Will you stop for one minute!” Madam Tracy shouted. 

Aziraphale and Crowley popped up. Aziraphale’s waistcoat had been completely undone and Crowley’s hair was even messier than normal. 

“Oh, where’d the horse people go?” Aziraphale asked. 

“The children defeated them,” Madam Tracy said. Poor Sargent Shadwell had completely short circuited with all the excitement. It would take awhile for his brain to catch up. 

Crowley looked around. “Oh, I thought we’d be more useful than that.” 

“Maybe if you two weren’t making out for ten minutes you would have been.” Madam Tracy huffed and crossed her arms. 

Adults were weird. Still, Adam had stopped Armageddon and the world was going to go back to normal. He was happy to get back to his last few days of summer before school started. Then two other beings came to Earth, and Adam wanted to roll his eyes. His mother would have been proud that he managed to refrain from doing so. There was work to do. A hero of the story indeed.


End file.
